Day 8

Well adjusting to a newborn has been a little different than I remember. Little miss Emma likes to eat like every 2 hours so sleep is very hard to come by. But what a difference just a few days can make. Those first couple days home were pretty brutal. But thankfully we are both adjusting. Emma lost a little weight when we first brought her home but at today's Doctor appointment she was back to her birth weight 8 lbs 8 oz on the 8th day. Funny huh? But our precious peanut is just the sweetest thing. Life will never be the same. How much children can enrich your lives, it's amazing. I LOVE YOU EMMA!!!!!

Emma Magdelena Swain

Well I am going to do my best to recall everything that happened. I won't lie I was a little out of it at times. I need to give you all a little background first. A lot of you know that when I had my son I was a mandatory c-section for obvious reasons. There wasn't a whole lot I could control. When I found out I was pregnant with Emma there were two things that I desperately wanted. One to have a drug free birth and two for a successful VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). VBAC being the more important to me. Well one out of two isn't bad. I fought for the first 14 weeks of pregnancy to find a Doctor that would let me attempt both and didn't look at me like I was crazy or that I was stupid for trying. I knew what I want and what I was willing to put my body through. I finally found one who was so supportive and just one of the most amazing doctors I have come across in a long time.
So with that said. Friday October 15th was my last day of work. Mind you my due date was the 17th so I was working right up until the end. It was tough. I felt my body relax when I left that day. Not because my job is stressful or anything just that I knew that the next stage was for her to come and that made me excited. Sure enough at 2:30 in the morning I woke up with what I was sure had to be labor pains. Mind you I have never been in labor before because everything was scheduled with Johnathan. So I got up and did a couple of things to try and see if it was the real thing or not. Went to the bathroom got some water tried to lye down in a few different positions to get back to sleep. Nothing was really working the discomfort just get coming. So I can't remember what time it was but I called my sister who was one of my doula's and part of my support team. She said it sounded like it could be the start of labor but it was probably early and that I should try to get some sleep if I could. Well I might have dozed of in between contractions but it was not much relief. So at about 7am I would say I made the call to the doctor. Only to find out that my doctor was not on call that weekend. So someone else would be delivering Emma. I was devastated. I have waited so long to find this doctor and had spent time going through my birth plan with him I was sure we were on the same page for everything. Now someone I didn't know and who didn't know me or anything about our situation or was going to deliver my baby. Fear totally set in. She told me that she wanted me to go in and be check to see what was happening. So we grabbed all the bags and off to sister's hospital we went. I would say we got there around 8:30am. They hooked me up to all the monitors and check to see if I was dilating. NOT even a little. What in the world how could nothing be happening after contracting all night. So they sent me home. I spent the day at my mom's just because I could be with my sister. It was a long day of trying to sleep(unsuccessfully)while contracting every 7-15minutes. Well at around 7pm I stood up to go to the bathroom and my water broke. Well to be honest I thought I just peed my pants. But considering it happened again just few minutes later I realized that it was in fact my water. So I called the doctor again and off we were back to the hospital. Now when I got there I was only dilated one centimeter so we settle in for long night thinking that Emma would be along sometime early in the morning. Now this is where it starts to get a little fuzzy so I am hoping that my sister and Tara (my other fabulous doula) will add some details I might miss.
This is what I remember and the time frame I definitely can't recall. My contractions were becoming more intense and closer together which is good this should have caused me to keep dilating. Well there were a couple different times I tried the shower. Water seem to be great release for pain. There first time was wonderful except for the fact that the hose on my shower head was broken and because I was sitting down didn't notice that for who knows how long there was water shooting all over the bathroom. It was literally flying across the room and spraying all of the counters, mirror and floor. By the time anyone noticed it had flooded the floor and was now making its way out of my bathroom into the labor room out the door and down the hall of the labor and delivery ward. It is hysterical now but I didn't really care at the time I was in a far amount of pain by this then. I just remember looking up at my nurse at the time her name was Becky she was so sweet. I had like 5 nurses by the time Emma came out that how long it was. Anyways I remember looking at her shoes and the bottom of her paints. She was soaked just from walking in the bathroom. I felt so bad. So after the second time in the shower I came out and got dressed since the Doctor came in. This was it the moment I new things would change. This was the Doctor I didn't know and was so afraid of what she would have to say. Sure enough when she checked my I think I was 3 centimeters. At this point it had been somewhere around 34 hours since my contractions started and about 17 hours since my water broke. Then she said it. Two options. One for some drugs to help me relax(she tossed around morphine) which when I think about it now I'm sure she knew I would say no to. Two to start pitocin to get labor moving. After the second time in the shower my labor seem to slow down. So I opted for pitocin. I really wanted to stay away from anything but it didn't look like that was going to happen. So they started it off slowly increasing it over the new couple hours. Sure enough the contractions got stronger and closer together. Mind you I was so exhausted at this point each contract really took all of my concentration to get through. The doctor came in to check me again and I was only four centimeters. Not the progresses I was hoping for. My body began to shut down I felt like I couldn't take anymore. After all this time to only be four centimeters was so discouraging. So at one last attempt I agreed very reluctantly to an epidural. The one thing I didn't want. I could still feel enough to know when I was contracting but not enough so that I got some rest. Suddenly I woke with this horrible urge to push. Without getting to graphic I will merely say it is one of the most uncomfortable feelings ever. So I had someone I don't even remember who go get the doctor I wanted them to check me. When they did she said I was 6 centimeters. I WAS DONE. I had nothing left. I could do it anymore my body was not cooperating and I just couldn't stand the pain anymore. I was only 6 even with the epidural. VBAC at this point just seemed so far away. I asked for a c-section. Now for me to ask you have to know I was really in a lot of pain we are talking 41 hours of labor at this point. So they called the anesthesiologist to come to get me ready for surgery. In the amount of time it took him to get to me (he was right in the middle of another epidural) which was probably around a half hour my pain had tripled. I was sobbing from it hurting so much. I could even control my breathing anymore. I was just gasping for air to get through them. The anesthesiologist literally came running down the hall to get to me. He came in and drugged me for surgery so now I couldn't feel anything except the pressure to push a little. My doctor was in scrubs my nurses where in scrubs I was prepped and begging for everyone to hurry. The in came my doctor. She wanted to check me one last time. I was sure it was pointless a part of me didn't even want her to. I had settle on the fact that VBAC wasn't going to happen and that I just wanted it to be over. So when she said 9 1/2 centimeters the first thing that came out of my mouth I am pretty sure wasn't very nice. But anyways,I could't believe that I was literally on my way into the O.R. and God intervened with other plans. His hand was all over this. I had already given up and after all this time found new reason to keep fighting. Not to mention that the doctor I was so concerned about quite frankly is the one who talked me out of the c-section. How fantastic is it that she ended up being exactly who God had meant to deliver my sweet Emma. She was great. So since I was now already drugged for surgery which was stronger than just the epidural we decided to wait just little while for that last 1/2 centimeter and some of the drugs to were off. I wasn't feeling anything really so I was ok with waiting. At about 8:50 or so I felt that overwhelming urge to push again. It was so overpowering and perfect timing the doctor walked in and check me. It was time to start pushing. Whooohoo!!!!! I had been waiting for 43hours to hear those words. As soon as I started everyone was running around in a panic. Apparently I was a good pusher and she was coming fast. She was out in 11 minutes. My sweet Emma Magdelena was born at 9:11pm Sunday October 17th (my actual due date. She was 8lbs 8oz 21 3/4" long. I did it!!!!!!!! MY VBAC!!! in the end the drugs didn't even matter. I fought and fought and I did it I got my VBAC. She was here forever in our arms and heart. How I have waited for this day. My beautiful daughter was here. I and brought her into this world. What a wonderful feeling and experience. I would do it all over again. It's no joke when people say it is ALL worth it.

Missing Him

So I have gone through a lot of different stages in this pregnancy. I think I have felt every emotion there is at some point or another. The last few days I have felt this aching like something is missing. The missing piece is Him. These last few days I haven't been able to think about much else other than how I should be preparing my two year old to meet his little sister. But I don't get to do that. I get to to tell her all about him but she will never know his sweet face. Really I barely knew it myself but I'm left with what little bit I have to share with her. How do I look my daughter in the face and try to tell her about her big brother she will never know on this earth. How do I look at her face and not see his. Maybe thats the point. Maybe I am meant to see him in her always. I am so grateful for Emma but it so hard for people to grasp that I love her very differently than Johnathan. A mother's heart expands with each child. So her birth doesn't make up for the ache I feel for my son. My heart just makes more room for her. Each day is a little different. Some days are easier than others. Today is not so easy. I'm missing him very much today.

Ok so its been way to long since my last post. I was doing good for a while. It has been a crazy summer so far. Lots of showers, weddings, and events. It is flying by. I am now 28 weeks and officially in my 3rd trimester. Only 12 weeks to go. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. I am very glad in one way because I can't wait to meet my little girl but I am also really enjoying being pregnant. I haven't really been uncomfortable at all just a little trouble sleeping. It just get hard to find the right sleeping position.

We have moved into our new (old) house. I love it and am so happy here. To have a place of my own and a place to make our own traditions. Its such a good feeling. I have been starting to get things organized for Emma's arrival. We had a fabulous baby shower last week and we blessed with so much stuff. The clothes..... oh my goodness the clothes. My little Emma will probably not wear the same outfit twice. I spent all of this past weekend washing and organizing them. I have to get her room painted before I can start setting it up but hopefully the next few weeks it will get done. My doctors appointments have gone to every two weeks and Emmas seems to be right on schedule. Its getting close. I can't wait.

Beautiful Moment

So it's 7:45am and I am here at work. My day doesn't officially start for another 15 minutes so I thought I would try and write this real quick. I had such a wonderful sweet moment this morning. For anybody who knows anything about me or my Family we are huge and I mean huge holiday people. Especially the major holiday's. Now I have always been excited to share all of our holiday traditions with my kids and have just been waiting for that chance to come. This mornings I was thinking about my sweet little Emma who is scheduled to arrive in just 19 short weeks. (CRAZY!!!) Now I know that she will be little this year so Holidays won't mean much to her but in the years to come....... When you have been through all that we have you tend not to imagine to far into the future for fear of the unknown but I found myself totally vulnerable this morning to all of my hopes and dreams for my little family in the many years to come. Seeing my baby girl come down the same stairs her Daddy did as a kid on Christmas morning in her little Christmas jammies sucking her thumb still half asleep waiting for Grampy to make breakfast and turn on all the lights and Christmas music. Or on Thanksgiving Day sitting on Daddy's lap while we say grace over the food God as has so blessed us with. Or walking around on Easter morning following the Jelly bean trail to her Easter basket. And the many nights I will sit up with her when she is sick or scared rocking her to sleep. Reading and singing to her while she looks up at me and pats my face. These moments ones that I haven't even experience yet are my HOPE. They are my life line to endure whatever life may throw at me because those moments are the times that I live and breathe for. They make everything worth fighting for. These BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS. I will get my chance.

Half Way There......

So tomorrow I will be 21 weeks. Wow already!!! I have made it half way through. It has gone so fast and I am loving every minute of it. It's been so fantastic. I am feeling Emma move more and more these days. The first time I felt her I was 16 weeks but it was very few and far between until the last couple weeks. She is a wiggly one. I love it. It's my way of knowing she's ok in there. I go back on the 21st for another ultra-sound and I am excited I always love getting to look at her. Plus is so amazing to see how fast she is growing. I will try and post a picture from the next visit. 134 days (give or take a few) and my sweet Emma will be here with us.

It's a GIRL!!!

Well, Thursday May 20th we went in for our 18week ultrasound. It is where they thoroughly look at the baby to check their development and see if there are any problems. They also can usually tell you the sex of the baby if you chose to find out. This is actually the same time in my second pregnancy that we found out about Johnathan's condition. I am more than happy to report that this baby so far is perfectly healthy. We are continuing to believe GOD'S hand is upon this little baby and is forming HER with particular care. Yes thats right I did say her. It is a little girl. What a sweet blessing she will be.

The crazy thing is when we went in for out ultrasound the same doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancy and was one of the doctors to really determine what Johnathan had came walking into our exam room. He was very familiar with our case and really took his time looking over our sweet baby girl. It was very comforting to know that he really looked for anything and everything and still determined that she is perfectly healthy. We go back on June 21st for another ultrasound just to check on her development as a precaution. He also said that in 25 years he has never seen something appear if its hasn't developed already so he knew how to put our minds at ease. Plus I never mind getting to see my baby girl.

God is so good. After what feels like forever I am getting the opportunity to see what pregnancy is like when there are no complications and it is such a blessing I will never take it for granted but I am very much enjoying it. I am getting to worry about the little things this time around like what color to paint her room. How to decorate it and what will she look like. This is definitely a new experience for me. I know that I appreciate it so much more just because of everything we went through. And don't get me wrong I remember and cherish everything about being pregnant with Johnathan good and bad. After all I carried him longer than I had him in my arms so that time is very precious to me. But being able to experience a new pregnancy in a totally new way gives me a special new bond to this baby and that is important too. I love all of my babies and am so excited to meet this little girl. A little less than five months to go. By the way her name will be Emma Magdelena Swain. All family names which is very important to us we love tradition.

To ALL Mother's

I must admit that I don't quite know how to feel this Mother's Day. On one hand my heart is not only broken for the loss off my own children, but the loss of so many taken to soon from there Mother's. I have met countless women over the last two years that have lost babies, infants, children. My heart is grieving for all Mother's who have lost children. There is no pain more unbearable. No circumstance you feel less in control off, and no greater ache than empty arms. It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost my first baby and it has been 19 months since I lost my son. I have loved them, grieved them and missed them so much in that time. I have ask God why. I have doubted myself. I have felt week, overwhelmed, and powerless. But I have also felt loved, blessed, and cherished. I have learned to trust God's sovereignty and know that he is the giver and taker of life. And somehow I began to realize that my two precious babies needed more care than I could give them. For whatever reason I was meant to mother them from my heart but not with my hands. My children needed what I could not give them, not for lacking anything but that our Father in Heaven needed them with him.

The road of grief is long and hard. With many days that I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I sat by and watched countless women I knew go on to have babies, babies and more babies while I sat childless. I watch their pregnancies develop, their children grow all while imagining how old my children would be if they had lived this long. What they would be like. Would they look more like me or Dan. Not that I wasn't happy for these people who were being blessed with children but just that I felt more empty in those moments and my heart would ache that I did not have what they had. "IT WASN'T FAIR" Every time I would see a mother even people I loved a little piece of my heart was torn away.

On the other hand "I never thought that there would ever be a moment like this" a time when all of those little broken pieces would be healed in an instant. I remember seeing those little double lines for the third time in my life. I thought is this really happening. Are we really getting another chance. YES!!!!!! We had been given the most precious gift I could ever imagine. Another baby.... I would always feel the ache for my babies I lost but no longer the emptiness in my arms. I would have someone to show my love to every day. Someone who would need me to take care of them and teach them things. A baby I would sing to and read stories to. In just five more months I will get to look into that tiny babies face and know that this journey EVERY MOMENT of it has been worth it. I will never forget my babies I have said goodbye to and will honor them everyday of my life but I will also get to tell this new baby all about their Big Brother and Big......( we don't know what the first baby was) who are in heaven watching over us.

I cannot describe all of the emotions I felt in that moment. But I would pray that every mother who has lost children or who wants children reads this finds some measure of hope in my story. Whether those children are born of your own womb or not. And for every mother who has children feels so LOVED for Mother's are a treasured gift.

To ALL Mother's whether you have, had, will have or long for children I LOVE YOU!!!!




I am now 17wks.

I LOVE THIS BABY!!!!

Wow!! Where do I even begin? These past few years have been such a world wind of emotion. For awhile I was totally convinced that I didn't want more kids. I was content to have forever just be my and my sweet husband who will never know just how much he means to me, but I will spend forever trying to show him. I knew that my contentment was more fear than anything. I guess when you have lost a child in order move past all the hurt you have to come to a place where if it where to all happen again exactly the same way you know you could survive it. I just recently found out that I am pregnant again now for the third time. There is always worry and fear of the unknown but I love this baby no matter what. The last pieces of my heart have begun to heal. There will always be a scar carved out for my sweet Johnathan, but to think that in just 7 1/2 short months I will get to hold another precious baby that I created is an overwhelming thought. That I will kiss their cheeks, fingers and toes. I will rock them to sleep and sing sweet lullabies to them is something that my heart could burst just thinking about.

Its very early in my pregnancy I am only about 6 1/2 weeks now. I feel great so far. Other than a little caffeine withdrawal. I told myself that I was going to wait until at least 10 weeks to tell people guess I didn't do so well with that. But I think that it so important to believe the best and that everything is ok and let God protect my little baby. I can't just expect something is wrong and wait to be proven otherwise. This baby deserves more than that, and frankly I deserve more than that. So we are just going to believe that this baby is exactly who God wants them to be and nothing I do or anyone else does will change that.

We are so blessed to be able to share all of this with you. I know many of you have been praying for us for many years. From the very deepest part of me I thank you all for your love and support through these years. We are so excited to share this experience with all of you. This baby will be coming just after the two year anniversary of Johnathan's passing. Which I think is Gods perfect way of letting us know that he is totally in control and has not forgotten us nor will he ever leave. What a great way to turn a month of morning into a month of joyful healing. Thank you God for watching over my family.

ALONE!!!

Ok so it is 6:30am in the morning not an usual time for me to be up especially beacause I leave for work in about an hour. But when you didn't go to bed until almost midnight 6:30am is not fun. Dan is in Newark DE this weekend. You would think that I would be used to him being gone for a few days at a time by now. He has been traveling ever since we met. More so in the last year or two but still. I totally can't sleep when he isn't home. I am pretty self sufficient and sometime enjoy my alone time (don't get me wrong I always miss him) but Never ever ever do I sleep well when he's not there. I usually have to wait until I am deleriously tired to even try to go up to bed. Otherwise I just lay there and my mind races, I hear ever little noise of the night, and if its windy or there is a storm forget it. I never have trouble once I'm asleep. I sleep pretty sound but lets put it this way. I have to turn on a fan, well a heater this time of year even when he is home to drown out the sounds. So I really getting to sleep is aweful when he's gone. Man.... this is going to be a long weekend.

Anthropologie

Oh my goodness. I am so excited. Last year I was introduced to this store called Anthropologie. I was down at my sister's and she had just redone her kitchen. She had gotten these great knobs for her kitchen cabinets there and so she took me there to check out the store. Well I am totally obsessed with this place. I cannot by no means afford the things in there but every once in a while you get lucky with a sale. Sometimes there little house things aren't crazy expensive. Anyways I just found out last week they are opening up one near Rochester. AAAAHHH!!!!! I'm so glad there will be one much closer. You can shop online of course but its just not the same. Take a look at the bed frame I desperately want from there. A mere $1600.00

Mothers

I just want to take a minute and let all the mothers I have meet along the journey of that you mean so very much to me. It never ceases to amaze me how God puts people in our path just when we need them or puts us in their path when they need us. I saw one of these mothers tonight who I haven't seen in a long time and it was an appointment. Thank you GOD for never leaving us and promising that you would give us the strength to endure.