It's a GIRL!!!

Well, Thursday May 20th we went in for our 18week ultrasound. It is where they thoroughly look at the baby to check their development and see if there are any problems. They also can usually tell you the sex of the baby if you chose to find out. This is actually the same time in my second pregnancy that we found out about Johnathan's condition. I am more than happy to report that this baby so far is perfectly healthy. We are continuing to believe GOD'S hand is upon this little baby and is forming HER with particular care. Yes thats right I did say her. It is a little girl. What a sweet blessing she will be.

The crazy thing is when we went in for out ultrasound the same doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancy and was one of the doctors to really determine what Johnathan had came walking into our exam room. He was very familiar with our case and really took his time looking over our sweet baby girl. It was very comforting to know that he really looked for anything and everything and still determined that she is perfectly healthy. We go back on June 21st for another ultrasound just to check on her development as a precaution. He also said that in 25 years he has never seen something appear if its hasn't developed already so he knew how to put our minds at ease. Plus I never mind getting to see my baby girl.

God is so good. After what feels like forever I am getting the opportunity to see what pregnancy is like when there are no complications and it is such a blessing I will never take it for granted but I am very much enjoying it. I am getting to worry about the little things this time around like what color to paint her room. How to decorate it and what will she look like. This is definitely a new experience for me. I know that I appreciate it so much more just because of everything we went through. And don't get me wrong I remember and cherish everything about being pregnant with Johnathan good and bad. After all I carried him longer than I had him in my arms so that time is very precious to me. But being able to experience a new pregnancy in a totally new way gives me a special new bond to this baby and that is important too. I love all of my babies and am so excited to meet this little girl. A little less than five months to go. By the way her name will be Emma Magdelena Swain. All family names which is very important to us we love tradition.

To ALL Mother's

I must admit that I don't quite know how to feel this Mother's Day. On one hand my heart is not only broken for the loss off my own children, but the loss of so many taken to soon from there Mother's. I have met countless women over the last two years that have lost babies, infants, children. My heart is grieving for all Mother's who have lost children. There is no pain more unbearable. No circumstance you feel less in control off, and no greater ache than empty arms. It has been 2 1/2 years since I lost my first baby and it has been 19 months since I lost my son. I have loved them, grieved them and missed them so much in that time. I have ask God why. I have doubted myself. I have felt week, overwhelmed, and powerless. But I have also felt loved, blessed, and cherished. I have learned to trust God's sovereignty and know that he is the giver and taker of life. And somehow I began to realize that my two precious babies needed more care than I could give them. For whatever reason I was meant to mother them from my heart but not with my hands. My children needed what I could not give them, not for lacking anything but that our Father in Heaven needed them with him.

The road of grief is long and hard. With many days that I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. I sat by and watched countless women I knew go on to have babies, babies and more babies while I sat childless. I watch their pregnancies develop, their children grow all while imagining how old my children would be if they had lived this long. What they would be like. Would they look more like me or Dan. Not that I wasn't happy for these people who were being blessed with children but just that I felt more empty in those moments and my heart would ache that I did not have what they had. "IT WASN'T FAIR" Every time I would see a mother even people I loved a little piece of my heart was torn away.

On the other hand "I never thought that there would ever be a moment like this" a time when all of those little broken pieces would be healed in an instant. I remember seeing those little double lines for the third time in my life. I thought is this really happening. Are we really getting another chance. YES!!!!!! We had been given the most precious gift I could ever imagine. Another baby.... I would always feel the ache for my babies I lost but no longer the emptiness in my arms. I would have someone to show my love to every day. Someone who would need me to take care of them and teach them things. A baby I would sing to and read stories to. In just five more months I will get to look into that tiny babies face and know that this journey EVERY MOMENT of it has been worth it. I will never forget my babies I have said goodbye to and will honor them everyday of my life but I will also get to tell this new baby all about their Big Brother and Big......( we don't know what the first baby was) who are in heaven watching over us.

I cannot describe all of the emotions I felt in that moment. But I would pray that every mother who has lost children or who wants children reads this finds some measure of hope in my story. Whether those children are born of your own womb or not. And for every mother who has children feels so LOVED for Mother's are a treasured gift.

To ALL Mother's whether you have, had, will have or long for children I LOVE YOU!!!!




I am now 17wks.